The Case of Jack Wiltshire and England's Brave John Terry

This section from the Fiver had me laughing over my tea this morning, as my convalescence away from work is coming to a finish and all those late nights watching tdf will now have to be managed on only 4 hours sleep!

I have mentioned the Fiver before but if you like your English football there can be very little funnier and to get some of the jokes perhaps you have to a regular reader.

So to set it up a little for you The Fiver away's portrays UEFA European footballs governing body as gluttonous incompetent non footballing 'officials'.

ANOTHER BUSY DAY FOR UEFA? YOU BET

Euro 2012 having ended over a week ago, and the functionaries' closing banquet having concluded a few hours ago, Uefa wasted no time this morning taking decisive action on the burning football issues of the moment: with minimal ado, the governors of Europe's most popular sport resolved that, what the heck, at their next meeting they shall have

both winter and summer truffles!

Before breaking for a pre-elevenses snack, delegates also passed motions enshrining pineapple juice as the mandatory tenderiser for wild boar and outlawing the poaching of swordfish, which should instead be sautéed or seared in a hot pan. In the Crouch-thin window between elevenses and the pre-luncheon repast, the tireless officials even found time to address The Case of Jack Wilshere, featuring one of the most dastardly acts of gambling-related football villainy since Nicklas Bendtner wore underwear with a bookmaker's name on it.

We say "since" but in fact Wilshere's depraved act occurred several months before the Dane's Y-frontery. Back in December 2011, the Arsenal midfielder, who at the time was convalescing from an injury that was supposed to be healed in a couple of weeks, took to Twitter to preview his team's Big Cup tie with Olympiakos and tip Emmanuel

Frimpong to score a goal, observing that at 150-1 his team-mate was "worth a cheeky £10".

After the match he returned to Twitter to reassure folks that: "I didn't actually bet on the game. I know we're not allowed to! I was only messing, just to be clear." But that was not enough to escape the wrath of Uefa, who, seven months on, sprang into action. "We confirm that the player has received a warning by Uefa's control and disciplinary body," belched a Uefa wonk today, who, some time between dessert course one and two, may also announce that another federation has been fined two and six pence for racist chanting by thousands of fans. The Fiver, therefore, will continue monitoring Uefa's website, where in keeping with the current climate of our struggle to fill your daily football email, the top story is currently an interview with Joey Gudjonsson about football and "family dinners".

Jack Wiltshire coincidentally putting one past Olympiakos

Now another bit of background EBJT stands for England's Brave John Terry - which is, shall we say- tongue in cheek! ? Anyhow EBJT committed the ultimate sin in team sport of having an affair with another player's (Wayne Bridges) wife/girlfriend.

Presently EBJT (I think Fiver used to call him EBALJT - England's Brave and Loyal John Terry but for obvious reasons shortened it) is currently in court in London accused of racially abusing another player (Anton Ferdinand - Rio's brother) during a match QPR V Chelsea. The Fiver provides Quotes of the day and in this edition they provided two and this is the one that had the tea I had just gulped gushing back out of my nose as I laughed at EBJT punch line! But let me also explain that CPS Lawyer means Crown Prosecution Service Lawyer.

QUOTE OF THE DAY II

CPS Lawyer: "Are your domestic circumstances, whatever happened with [Wayne Bridge's partner] a no-go area?"

EBJT: "Clearly not."

CPS Lawyer: "You are respected in the football community, aren't you?"

EBJT: "I'd like to think so."

EBJT (yes crying!)